Being Real Part II

After publishing my blog yesterday and walking away from my laptop, I started to think further about this 'being real' idea.  It turns out for the most part, I don't have a problem being real, truthful, straight up, and perhaps even at times... bordering on rude, (although I am embarrassed to admit that), to service people. I do have a much harder time being that way with friends or people I care about.  

I seem to be filled with inconsistencies. If a barista at Starbucks doesn't make my drink correctly, I will likely mention it and thankfully, they always offer to correct it.  If this occurred at a mom-and-pop coffee shop, I might be less likely to say something, but then I wouldn't go back again.  If I am really irked by something I will call or email the company to try and get the situation rectified. If I am in a hair salon and I hate what they are doing, I sit there likely a stunned mullet and keep my mouth shut, promising myself as I leave, to never return.  Only once have I ever called a salon back to say that I was unhappy and went back in the next day to have them fix the situation, but that was mainly because I was on my way to my brother's wedding and knew that the photos would capture my terrible hair dilemma forever.  

I do believe I have narrowed down my problem with telling the truth to hair stylists to this... I think of my hair as their 'work of art' and I don't like to criticize their work.  The obvious flaw in this explanation is that then I have to walk around with their art (that I don't like) on my head, until it grows out.  I have no doubt that this does them a disservice, as much as the mom-and-pop coffee shops with drinks I don't like, but I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings so I keep my mouth shut.

On the other hand, if I have to engage with the problem by phone (ie my mortgage company needs proof of flood insurance and they change their address and don't let me know, but make me send the fax a second time because of their error), I have no problem telling them I am not pleased. 

But whether by phone or in person, when it comes to friends I feel FAR more uncomfortable addressing issues, imbalances or upsets.  The irony of course is that friends are the ones that I most want to spend time with and therefore where I want to have the most truthful and honest relationships.  I want that for them, so I guess I have to assume that they want the same for, and from, me.

I am a strong believer in leading by example, so I guess that means it is time for me to step up to the plate and tell the truth - be very real - in all areas of life, whether it is in person or by phone, in Starbucks or a mom-and-pop coffee store, to the hair stylist and to my best friends.  Let's call it an experiment, after all, I do know how the other side feels, I wonder what it is like to be totally real?

I am willing to give it a try, how about you?

Catherine

Being Real

There is something very brave about being real.  

By being real I mean, telling the truth - the good, the bad, the messy, the unpleasant, the embarrassing and the downright ugly.  I value being real in others and admire them for it, but I am still building my own muscle for being real.  However, I am quite often (pleasantly) amazed by the outcomes of being real.

I had an incident with a dear friend recently, where I let a few things pile up and then they boiled over - at least for me.  I know I should have said something sooner.  (Not to make excuses, but rather by way of an explanation, I was the child of a diplomat and so I was raised to be polite over being honest or real.  Sometimes this is perhaps a good thing, it keeps the water smooth, but most other times this does a major disservice to me and those close to me).  

The thing that made this most recent incident so much easier to be with, was the fact that I knew I had a good foundation with this friend.  She has seen me at my best, experienced my generosity and she knows I have been, and would be again, there for her in a heartbeat.  I knew that this was a bump on the road of our relationship.  Amongst the interchange over email there was that familiar reminder that email doesn't always give context or tone and one can be misunderstood or misunderstand another more easily, than if the conversation was occurring live, real time.  

However, I needed time to be mad.  And she generously allowed me to have that.  This is a new thing for me.  In the past I would have blurted out my upset/hurt feelings then immediately felt bad or embarrassed and apologized profusely and stuffed my own feelings down inside me to deal with another day.  To be able to be mad and stew for a couple of days, even though stewing felt weird and almost indulgent, was a real gift.  By the time I had spent a few hours in my own thoughts, I was more present to our deep friendship and less keen to continue holding her at an arm's distance.

When we talked today she was so kind and willing to look at what had happened that had allowed us to go off track. I felt so respected and humbled by her, that I was able to lean even further into, and trust that the foundation of our friendship would be able to get past this bump.  We haven't yet reached a resolution, and I am not sure one is even needed, but we are both clear that my upset is an opportunity for us to look at our relationship and perhaps find a way to enhance it even further.

I know that even though these types of conversations are often really uncomfortable for me, they do bring me to a new, and better, level with those I treasure.  The conversations might take a couple of iterations but they are always worth it in the end.

So, where are you willing to be real?

Here's to muscle building,

Catherine